maybe a child is waiting for you to notice that he or she exists...
and if that's not a good enough reason... just think ....
children who have depressed mothers have a very high probability of being depressed themselves, first
as children, then as teens and then even later on in their adult life....
Protecting Children from the Negative Impact of
Divorce - By Anne Wolski
Anyone who has
been thru the rigors of divorce knows how emotionally & physically difficult a time it can be.
Often, we forget
about the effect it's having on the children who can sometimes believe that they're somehow to blame. It's important for the children to receive appropriate help during this stressful time & to be assured that they aren't at fault & that both parents still love them very much.
As hard as it may be at
the time, both parents need to be civil toward one another & work out an arrangement that's in the best interests of the children while still allowing
the parents to meet their own needs as well. It's far better to do this yourselves than to put everyone thru the distress of a court & having an arbitrary decision made for you.
This is a time when
both parents need to work together to help the children. Even if one parent fails to honor their commitment to help the children, the other parent still needs to do the best they can to be responsible in this situation.
You shouldn't keep the
divorce a secret from the children. You need to tell them when you make your decision & what's going to happen. Try to give them at least a little bit of notice before
the parent moves out so that the child can have the time to deal with it & ask questions. Reassure the child that both
parents are still going to be there for them & that nothing has changed in that sense.
Avoid playing the blame game when talking to the children. Putting the other parent down leads to insecurity on the part of the children. They need to know that both parents are still able to be trusted & depended upon. Let them know that it was a mutual decision & that you both did your best to avoid this ending.
Make your child aware that they aren't going to be able to get the both of you back together. Tell them that there's nothing that they can
do to make the situation go away.
Also make it clear
to them where they're going to live & that they can see the other parent any time they want to. You can tell them that
there may be some changes in that later on, but it isn't going to affect their relationship. Give them the opportunity to ask you any questions that
they may have for you both.
An important factor is your reactions in front of the children. It’s easy to display negative emotions when facing divorce but the children can do without the extra upset. They need to feel safe & secure in the knowledge that both parents love them & don’t want to upset them in any way.
You should never fight with
the other parent in front of the children. This will be very disturbing to the children & may cause them to be fearful of what may happen in the future. You shouldn't speak badly about the
other parent either. You have to be very careful not to call the other parent names or talk negatively about anything that they've done.
Never keep the children
away from the other parent unless they're in danger of anything. You should let the children see the parent when they
feel the need to. Let them know that they can call them anytime & you'll be happy to drive them to see you’re soon to ex spouse’s residence any time that they want.
Never forget your responsibility to the children. To continue to be a good parent, even if you don't have custody, means communicating with them. Despite
the fact that divorce can be very traumatic for parents, you need to keep up your strength for the sake of the children.
Don’t shower them with money
& gifts but give them your time. That's the most important thing at this time. Don’t make promises if you can’t keep them & never, never abandon them, either physically or emotionally.
If you think that the child needs to have therapy, you should make the necessary arrangements. If they need to talk to a professional let them, as this is going to help a child in the long run.
It's crucial to
the children to be able to discuss their feelings & to be reassured that they have nothing to worry about concerning the divorce. It's nothing to be ashamed of & the child should be made to feel comfortable about all that's going on around them.
Anne Wolski has worked in the health
& welfare industry for more than 30 years. She's the owner of http://www.mummansun.com,
a discount retail outlet & a co-director of http://www.betterhealthshoppe.com which
is an information portal with many interesting medical articles. She is also an associate of http://www.timzbiz.com
which features many articles on internet marketing & resources.
what are your circumstances?
do circumstances matter? click here to find out!
The Busy Mom - Is it Your Choice? - By Lori Radun, CEC
Let’s face it.
We live in a fast paced world. As moms, it's hard to keep up with everything on our plates. We have piles of laundry, piles
of dishes & piles of school papers. Along with the many errands we have to run, we also play chauffer for our children.
It may be martial arts on Monday, soccer practice on Tuesday & music lessons on Wednesday.
Weekends may be
even worse with baseball games, gymnastics meets or ballet lessons. And it doesn’t end there. Many of us also try to
squeeze in time to volunteer at school & church because we know they need help.
When life is too busy, stress increases & adrenaline levels rise. Eventually, our bodies begin to tell us we're in trouble. Common problems of an over-stressed lifestyle include:
Our bodies can
handle only so much before they scream STOP! Relationships may also suffer, as everyone becomes tired & irritable. Children, who are over extended, may not be able to communicate their stress in words, but tantrums, fighting & other unacceptable behavior may all be warning signs.
People who try to handle too much often become
disorganized & forgetful. (Have you ever searched everywhere for something you just saw yesterday?
Or remembered an appointment – 3 days late?)
My husband & I are
perfect examples. I was scheduled to attend a teleclass on Monday: on Wednesday it dawned on me that I had forgotten
all about it. Last week my husband returned home twice after leaving for work. The first day he forgot his briefcase; the
next day, he forgot his samples. Today he forgot his suit jacket. It really is a vicious circle.
Every time we have
to take time to return home or worry about things we've forgotten, stress levels increase even more.
But moms overwhelmed
with volunteer work may be over scheduling themselves at the expense of their families & themselves. When people identify a kindhearted
person, who likes to help, they may take advantage.
It's easier to
approach that type of person than one who is never willing to volunteer. Volunteering is important, but keeping our lives balanced is more important. Expect others to do their share, but when they don't, don't
step in for them.
Knowing when to
say no is as important as knowing when to say yes.
How wonderful it would be to have
a magical machine with the ability to create peace in the midst of chaos. With this machine life would be slower & we
would feel like we have all the time in the world. If I had this machine I know what my life might look like: I wake up 15
minutes early every day to meditate & pray. I have time to spend on laundry & housecleaning because there's nothing
on my schedule.
My children have
time to relax & play because they've eliminated many of their extracurricular activities. Each night my family sits down
to dinner together & shares the best parts of their day. One night of the week is designated as family game night. Saturday
night is date night & the children enjoy their babysitter.
Everyone in the
family is happier & less stressed. Real connections with loved ones exist.
Is this a “Fantasy Island” that can
never be reached? No it isn't. In fact, no magical machine is needed. We all have the power to create any kind of life
we want. We can transform our stressful lives into more relaxed & enjoyable ones.
We may have to rearrange
our priorities. We may have to make some hard choices – eliminating some of the activities & responsibilities
we once believed were necessary. We may have to develop new habits or change old attitudes. But it can be done.
Think about this: The lives we model today will probably be the types of lives our children live as adults. We do have a
choice – choose wisely.
is it too late to bond with your baby?
why are attachment relationships important? click!
The Top 10 Reasons Why You Should
Live as if There Is No Tomorrow - By Susan Dunn, M.A., The EQ Coach
In Memoriam, Thomas Leonard, the Founder of Coaching, who
died February 11, 2003
1. Because we never know when we
2. Because we never know when's the last time we'll see a loved one.
3. Because it's the worst thing in the world to have someone die & not have told them you
4. Because if you do, you'll model this for others, as Thomas did.
5. Because if you've lived as if every day were your last, as Thomas did, you'll leave a rich
legacy, the fruits of your labor & the gifts of your heart & soul. You will have made the world a better place for
6. Because all that's real is today, right now, this moment.
The past is over. The future may never be.
"What is left unsaid gets in the way of the relationship. What is left unasked-for is a missed opportunity." -- Thomas Leonard
8. Because "When someone is doing something ... you must communicate immediately or forever carry
the extra burden of your unspoken reaction." -- Thomas Leonard
9. Because of this,
"Just do what you can do, don't say what you can do." -- Thomas Leonard
don't really have a future & nothing is certain, don't talk about how you can help someone, or what you plan to do, don't
make great plans & live in your head, pick up a broom & sweep their house. Do something. Do it now.
10. Because tomorrow may never come.
does your grief go away when you have a drink?
click here if you might be drinking too much!
are you drowning in a pool of unresolved grief?
has someone you cherished died and you can't let go?
A Day in the Heart of Pain -
By Stephen Levine
What Would It
Be Like To Awaken To A Day with Our Hearts open to our pain?
What would it be
like to approach the mean habit of rejecting our pain, which turns it into suffering, with mercy & awareness? When we are no longer mesmerized by our wounds or making a religion of the pain by which we so often define ourselves, we stop running for our lives.
Some years ago, sitting next to a 15 month-old child whose cancer had begun in her mother's womb, as I prayed
for her life, something very deep inside told me to stop, that I didn't know enough to make such a prayer. It said that I
was just second-guessing God. That I couldn't really comprehend what her spirit might have needed next, that only this pain in this fleeting body, which was being torn from the hearts of her loved ones, might teach her
as she evolved toward her ceaseless potential.
That she, like
us all, was in the lap of the mystery & that the only appropriate prayer was, "May you get the most out of this possible!"
Sharing our healing, we send wishes for the well-being of all those who, like ourselves, find themselves in a difficult
moment, as the heart whispers, "May we all get the most out of this possible."
we can say to ourselves, in appreciation of the healing potential of approaching with mercy & awareness that which so recently may have been an aversion to our situation, "May I get the most out of this possible."
It's said that nothing is true until we have experienced it, so as an experiment in sending love where the fear is, we can use the presence of mild pain to test the truth of softening & sending mercy into an area of our body that's perhaps captured in the constriction of fear.
Knowing that working
with physical pain demonstrates a means of working with mental pain as well, we can let go of the tension around physical discomfort.
If you watch closely, you'll notice
that when you experience physical pain, you ostracize & isolate that part of yourself. You close off what is calling out for your help. We do the same thing with our grief.
When you stub your toe, more than physical pain is generated; grief is released into the wound, followed by a litany of dissatisfactions & "poor me's," a damning of God sent heavenward. When we trip & fall in the darkness we're all too ready to curse
ourselves for being so clumsy, as well as for not being able to hold our bladder until dawn, for not counting the hours in
our just-expended 1,000-hour lightbulb & the bruise is suffused with self-judgment & an irrational sense of responsibility.
The next time you have a minor wound, such as a stubbed toe or bumped elbow, note how long it takes that wound - when you soften to it & use it as a focus for loving kindness - to heal. Then compare it with the number of days it takes a similar wound to heal when you turn away from it, allowing the fear & resistance that rushes toward it to mercilessly remain.
Contrast the healing
of an injury in the mind or body in which loving kindness has gradually gathered to one that has been abandoned.
This softening & opening around pain has been shown in several double-blind studies to provide greater access of the immune system to an area of injury.
It opens the vice of resistance into a never-considered acceptance of the moment. It denieshopelessness a home. It proves we aren't helpless, that we can actively intercede in what we previously believed we had only to endure.
Working with our pain, or the pain of loved ones, cultivates
a mercy that allows us to stay one more moment at their bedside when we're most needed. It allows us to not run away.
To open some of our healing potential, soften around the pain to melt the resistance that isolates it. Enter it with mercy, instead of walling it off with fear. Pass thru the barricades of fear & distrust that attempt to defend the pain. Let what seems an improbable love - the ultimate acceptance of our pain - enter the cluster of sensations that so agitate the mind & body.
As pain teaches us that fear can be penetrated by mercy & awareness, from some inherent knowing there resonates from our suffering a perfect teaching in compassion. We find in our pain the pain we all share. Softening around pain with mercy instead of hardening it with fear, the heart expands as "my' pain becomes "the" pain. Odd as it may sound, when we share the insights arising from our pain we become more able to honor the pain.
Following a tributary from the personal to the universal, we can find
in our pain the pain of others as well. In our own wish to be free of suffering, others are calling out to be freed from their difficulties. Finding them in ourselves, the loving kindness that we extend to all sentient beings moves Earth toward heaven.
When we meet pain
with mercy, there's a silent sigh of understanding & relief that can serve the whole world. There's exposed a meaning to life, a connection thru ourselves to all others, that proposes a balm to the suffering in the world.
Why Healing Your Past Will Allow You to Get
& Keep Your Life On Track, Once & for All!
By Cari Vollmer
does healing your past have to do with getting & keeping your life on track? Just think of the last time something just slightly bad happened to you & how it ruined your day. (Like
getting a speeding ticket, or having an argument with your best friend.) How much energy & time did you spend worrying
about what happened?
times did you tell the story of your ill-fated experience, over & over again, to anyone who would listen?
how hard did you try to conceal the truth from everyone, even yourself?
I'm not here to tell you it's wrong to spend time
thinking about the bad stuff that's happened to you. It's not. In fact, it's completely normal. But when the bad stuff gets in the
way of creating a productive, happy life of your choosing, it may be time to discover how the experiences you've had in your life play a role in how you view
yourself & the world around you today.
I'm not a therapist but I'm someone who worked hard to get her own life on track & to get there I had to sort thru my share of past
issues & old wounds.
I speak solely from personal experience when I say:
have issues from your past that you haven't fully dealt with or understand thoroughly they'll continue to run your life from behind the scenes.
why, healing your past (coming to terms with it, letting go of it,understanding it), is a very, very good thing to do if you want to create & live the life you really want.
Face it, you have a past. Hopefully yours was great, but I think I speak for most people when I say, it probably wasn't perfect. So before you think your past issues don't qualify, take a look at this list to see if you've experienced any of the things listed.
As a child, or any other time in your life, were there times you felt:
possible these experiences led you to form healthy & unhealthy beliefs about yourself, the people in your life & the world around you?
you've had in your life has left its mark on you in some way, leading you to become the person you are today.
Your beliefs are partially formed from the experiences you've had in life. For example, if your father left your family when you
were a young child you may have formed the belief that "fathers leave".
Now whether or not this belief is universally true or not, it doesn't matter. Consciously or subconsciously you have a belief fathers leave their family. The belief was created when you were a child, but as an adult you still have it, albeit buried
deep within your subconscious.
were the child whose father left, how might the belief "fathers leave" influence your life & relationships today?
Your beliefs shape the lens thru which you view the world, yourself & your possibilities. That lens leads you to make the decisions
you make for your life.
In a nutshell, your past is partially responsible for what you believe about yourself & your possibilities. If you don't understand how your beliefs were formed or where they came from, part of you is working behind the scenes, in the dark.
part of you may be running your life more than you realize.
Understanding your past & how it influenced the shaping of your beliefs is like turning on the light to the deeper part of who you are.
Healing your past
will bring more consciousness to your life. With more consciousness you'll be in a better position to choose thoughts, attitudes & actions that serve your life, rather than take from it.
Should healing your past
be the first thing on your "get my life on track" to do list? Of course, that all depends. It may be a great place to start
if you experienced trauma &/or abuse early in life. It also may be a good place to start if you find yourself worrying excessively, unable to take action, or feel like you just don't have what it takes to create the life you want.
feel depressed or feel like you've been "stuck" far too long, therapy could be the ticket.
Healing Your Past has the power to change your life because you'll no longer spend energy & time explaining, denying or trying to forget the life you had, rather you'll use your energy & time to create the life you want.
If healing your past is of interest to you I recommend the following books as good places to start.
There are many helpful books on the market so don't rely solely on this very short list as your guide, rather visit your local
bookstore to see what best fits your unique needs.
Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford The
Fourfold Way by Angeles Arrien Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss
I also recommend
therapies that honor the mind, body, spirit connection, such as Hakomi. Every city has excellent therapists. Ask your friends or family for referrals & most importantly, trust your instincts when choosing a therapist.
Freeing yourself from your past & healing your old wounds is a big gift you give yourself & eventually the world around you.
just thinking about your past could bring up many unpleasant memories. If you feel the need to talk to someone please feel free to contact me. I'm not a therapist but I may be able to direct you to resources that can help.
Your Family Values - Are You Walking Your Talk? - By Lori Radun, CEC
Have you ever really
sat down & given thought to what values you want to teach in your family?
If someone asked you,
could you tell them the 5 most important values to you?
How clear are your
children about what the family values are?
Your values speak to what's most important to you in life. They're the foundation of your family. Without a clear vision of what
your values are, life is more challenging. Let me explain why.
Your family values guide your decisions. Every decision you make is based on values. If you choose not to get up for a morning jog, then you're valuingsleep over exercise in that moment.
If you allow your child
to stay home from school because she complains of a stomach ache, then you're valuing your child’s health over her education that morning. Many of the day-to-day decisions are made without even thinking about them, but they should all represent what’s important to you.
you’ll notice some decisions are much harder to make. It’s usually because you’re struggling with a valueconflict.
I think one of the hardest
decisions I ever had to make was whether or not I should put my older son on medication for ADHD. The value conflict I wrestled with was his physical health vs. his emotional / educational health.
Until I was very clear
which was most important to me, I battled with guilt & apprehension. Today I'm totally comfortable with my son taking medication because I ultimately decided that his emotional & educational success was more important than the risks I may be taking with his physical health. His dad, however, has different values than me. He values his physical health over his emotional & educational success.
Stress is the result of not living in integrity with your values. In the coaching world, we regularly talk about how well we're walking our talk. If I say honesty is important to me, then
I better live an honest life. If I’m not, then I’m not walking my talk. And the result is self-induced stress. How much stress in your
family can be contributed to living out of integrity with your family values?
let’s say you highly value peace. If your family has frequent conflicts, then you'll feel stressed much of the time. If being on time is important to
you, stress will occur anytime the family is running late. Honoring your most important values is paramount if you are going to live the life you want.
To have a phenomenal family,
everyone needs to be on the same page with the family values. So sit down & make a list of what values you want to live by. Try to pick your top 5. If you’re married, have your partner make his own separate list. Combine
your lists & together choose 5-7 values that you absolutely won’t compromise in your family. Schedule a family meeting & clearly communicate your family
For example, if
respect is a value you want your family to live by, then explain to your children what respect means. Give them concrete examples of what respect
Being respectful means we talk to each other with kindness. It means we must ask each other if we want to borrow personal belongings.
Respect means we listen to the person who is speaking.
Once everyone is clear what
the family values, then start walking your talk. That means your rules will center on your values. Your decisions will be guided by your values. Each member of the family will be held accountable to living out these values.
You reward & praise
each other when those values are being displayed. There are consequences when the family values are compromised. And most important, mom & dad must be walking models of these values in the home.
Being clear about & honoring your values will make life easier for you. Most decisions will be effortless. You'll experience less stress in your life. You'll begin
to live your life with more purpose & fulfillment. And ultimately, you'll pass on to your children the family values you one day hope will be passed on to future generations.
have you told your children not to smoke?
are you smoking anyway?
who told you that you aren't important enough to be well & happy?
what about your relationships?
do you have a career?
family & friends?
believe me.... there's most likely someone in your life waiting for you to recover.
Look at these questions. If you consider yourself truly happy, are they contingent on situations outside yourself or do they come from inside you? If you are really happy for short periods of time can you duplicate that situation so it happens more frequently? If you see yourself as unhappy, is it because of circumstances?
"Your vision will become clear only when you can
look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams, who looks inside, awakens."
"Easier said than done," you say. Ok, how do you create happiness inside you? How do you not rely on other people, places or things
Do you learn to really
like yourself? There are certain elements to consider. They include self respect, acceptance, appreciation, trust, tolerance. Look at these ingredients & apply them to yourself. Consider whether you treat yourself with the same love & appreciation you would treat another person.
Do you respect yourself? Is there something in your past or someone who has made you feel less of a person? Are you living up
to your personal values? Can you say you can be trusted? Do you keep your word?
Do you accept yourself? Are you as accepting of yourself as you are of others? Do you look only at your flaws or do you consider your positive attributes? If there are areas you aren't comfortable with, are you in the process of changing them? Change what you don't like, accept that which you don't want to change. You don't have to be perfect.
Do you appreciate yourself? Do you look at the nice things you do & pat yourself on the back? Do you tell
yourself the words of encouragement you tell others?
Do you trust yourself? Do you follow your intuition? Do you make sensible decisions? Is your judgment sound? Do you have common sense? Do you learn from your mistakes?
A nice side effect of contentment is that you become more flexible. As you like yourself more, you can consider others more. You aren't so preoccupied with
getting your own personal needs met. It's a win-win situation. As that happens, you find that delightful people come into your life & enhance it even
If you want help in any of these areas, please contact me for personal coaching.
I offer a free half-hour phone coaching.
"If you want things to happen,
work to make them happen."
One way to stop it is to sit down & write a letter to yourself & yourself only.
Now, I know this sounds so simple, it's ridiculous, but guess what. IT'S NOT SIMPLE, IT'S NOT RIDICULOUS.
This isn't just any letter. This letter works thru the 6 layers of emotions associated with anger. I found this technique in literature written by Barbara De Angelis, Ph. D & it's helped many of my clients.
Sometimes, they thought they were coming to me for something else entirely, when in fact anger was the base of the problem. Once their anger was in control, they were able to move on.
This is a process that'll help you put the anger behind you. As you use it, you'll find that you're be able to control your anger quickly. You'll soon be able to calm down immediately.
In time, you'll no longer need the letter, your mind will automatically go thru the process without you having to even write it. That's the ultimate goal, but for now, write the letter, feel the change & get on with your life.
We have to work thru each feeling in each level until we get to the ultimate & that's Love.
*** Sidebar*** We can't be healed until we can love ourselves. We can't be productive until we can love ourselves. We can't love others until we can love ourselves. Writing a letter to ourselves, sometimes several letters, is the first step toward
recovering our own self-love. *** End of sidebar ***
There must be at least one sentence per feeling in your letter, once you write that sentence, it usually leads to more, which leads to even more. Your job, should you choose
to accept it, is to write until you can't write another sentence for that feeling.
Write as many sentences as you can that start out with this: "I blame you for ____." Write as many sentences as you can that start out with this: "I resent the fact that you ______." Or "I resent you for ______"
*** Sidebar *** The sentences don't have to start out exactly like
that. These are just examples. The sentence DOES have to deal with the feeling you're working on, though. *** End of Sidebar ***
Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "I feel insecure when you ____." Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "You wound me when you ______."
Now, we've worked pass what has hurt us & we're working on toward a solution. This is a very important step. Since we're writing for ourselves & maybe even to ourselves, this helps us come up with a solution for ourselves.
Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "I forgive you for ____." Write as many sentences as you can that start out like this: "I appreciate the fact that you ______."
You're working down thru the 6 levels of emotions, individually. You're taking care of each emotion that would have ultimately ended up in anger.
By the time you're back down to love, you're more in control of your emotions. And, by the way, did you notice you're feeling much better now? More in control? In a productive state? Good!
Now, who do you think you should show this letter to? NO ONE! Right? Right! Because showing the letter defeats the purpose of the letter. I can't
say this strongly enough!
You're writing the letter for YOURSELF
only, no matter who you're writing it to, so that YOU can work thru YOUR feelings & become a better person.
Showing this letter to anyone only decreases
it's value & quite possibly Hurts the other person. Do you WANT to do that? I don't think so.
That's not what we're learning in this
class, students. If you did show the letter to someone, it means you aren't healed. Please, please, don't learn that way.
If you don't feel 100% better, go back & rewrite the letter.
When you're finished,
you'll feel as though a load has been lifted from your shoulders. The anger will be gone. You have just learned that you're capable of dealing with your anger in a non-threatening way. And isn't that a great way to handle it?
to write a letter every time you start feeling that old tension start to grow & realize that you have now taken control of your life. Because every time you take control, you're telling your brain that you WILL succeed & it'll help you relax faster & easier every time.
Thanks for reading, Jan
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